By Thatcar.co.za
If you’re my age, when I say PEPE, you know exactly what a craze that was.
Okay, I accept it. I’m a young fella, and most of you probably won’t know what I’m talking about. So let me educate you on a little thing called popular culture.
Back in the 1990s (yes, son, last century. And no, I wasn’t around when Jesus broke bread with his 12 disciples), some clever chap decided to add a bit of colour to ordinary denim.
Instead of the usual blue or black, he came up with mustard-coloured jeans.
You’d think people would look at them and instantly feel sick. But no! Every hormone-filled, pimple-faced teenager wanted a pair.
We all had mustard-coloured jeans.
Then PEPE came along and started colouring those jeans in every shade imaginable. Naturally, every other denim brand followed suit with some truly outrageous colours.
Think of a colour. Any colour.
There was a denim for it.
Puke Yellow? Absolutely.
Snot Green? I had that colour!
And then came the 2000s, when this madness returned under the name colour blocking. It wasn’t just jeans anymore. Shirts, socks, everything was colourful.
My word, thank goodness that’s over.
But what on earth does this have to do with cars?
Well, cars aren’t immune to the “MINE IS BIGGER” syndrome.
It probably started with two men sitting in a cave. One looked down and said, “Mine’s bigger.”
Not to be outclassed, the other chap went away, came back and said, “No, mine’s bigger!”
They were comparing what was between their legs…
What? No! Get your mind out of the gutter. I meant their batons!
Okay, I made that sound worse. But you know what I mean.
THE BIGGER, THE BETTER?
Porsche recently launched the Cayenne Turbo Electric. A bonkers, almost three-tonne, Eskom-powered SUV that can actually beat a 911 Turbo to 100km/h.
I mean, WHY?
Mercedes-Benz sat back, watched, and was reportedly heard muttering, “Hold my beer.”
And a few moments later, enter
the new Mercedes-AMG GT 63 SUV.
Launched just days ago, this thing is even crazier.
And the back? Mad.
When I say mad, I mean I’m a crazy car designer mad. But we’ll get to that.
First, let me give you some numbers.
860kW. BECAUSE WHY NOT?
The headline figure is 860kW of power.
That makes it the world’s most powerful production SUV, with 80kW more than the AMG One hypercar and nearly twice the power of the most powerful petrol-engined AMG SUV.
Why?
We don’t all know.
But wait, folks, there’s more!
This thing weighs a massive 2.7 tonnes.
It’ll do 0–100mph in 2.5 seconds and 0–200km/h in 6.8 seconds.
Top speed? 280km/h.
And Mercedes claims a maximum range of 435 miles.
Now, let’s be realistic. Knock off around 30% and you’ve got a more sensible expectation of what you’ll actually get.
And if you’re doing 280km/h, well, expect to go around the block and your battery will be done.
But hey, at least you’ll have had fun!
THE INTERIOR
Now, I can’t diss the interior too much.
It’s actually rather pretty.
It looks like someone took the time to sit down, think about the layout and design something that makes sense. It’s driver-focused, and it looks like a genuinely nice place to spend some time.
And we like the carbon-fibre finish.
You know how most modern dashboards have become a bit like the PEPE syndrome?
Two screens. Maybe three.
A steering wheel. Some seats.
Voila! That’ll be a million bucks, please.
At least Mercedes has made an effort here. The interior has some character, and it doesn’t look like someone simply slapped a couple of tablets onto the dashboard and called it a day.
THE STYLING:
We’re still not entirely convinced by Mercedes-Benz’s new design language.
We’ll reserve judgement until we see the car in the flesh.
But…
And this is a HUGE BUTT.
The rear of this car.
Askies. I’m sorry.
No jammer, manne. There is no nice way of putting this.
Actually, maybe there is.
At least its mother will love it.
We don’t.
At all.
HOW MUCH?
Now, if you’re wondering what this thing will cost in South Africa, don’t get too excited.
Think along the lines of the Porsche Cayenne Turbo Electric and the Range Rover Electric.
We’re talking R4 million-plus territory. And that’s before you start adding the extras
THE VERDICT
Absolutely pointless.
Really. Absolutely pointless.
But that’s exactly why I love it.
It’s there for sh*ts and giggles.
And sometimes, that’s all you need.
Why do we jump out of a moving plane and dive towards the earth?
Why do we get into a can, fill it with air, and go underwater?
Why do we put on our nice, big jackets, leave the comfort of our homes and go summit some godforsaken mountain?
Why do we buy vomit-coloured jeans?
I’ll tell you why.
BECAUSE IT MAKES US FEEL ALIVE!
Present.
It reminds us that we’re still breathing.
And sometimes, you just have to do the crazy stuff in life.
So well done, Mercedes-Benz.
You’ve built an absolutely ridiculous SUV, and we love that you’ve done it.
BMW, YOUR MOVE!
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